Ask HN: What happens if I have a nervous breakdown?

#1

Post by nbreakdown » Fri, Dec 03, 2010, 10:26 PM UTC

This is a toss-able account.

I think I'm having a nervous breakdown. I'm a start-up CTO in a small company acting as the free electron ( http://www.randsinrepose.com/archives/2005/03/20/free_electron.html ).

And, i just can't find the motivation or interest anymore to do anything.

I've been told that everyone is replaceable, yet I don't think I am. Nor do I feel this has been a good leadership point of view. I would rather feel irreplaceable and given a fairer shake of the deal rather than have to accept the money holders point of view. I'm very tempted to just say, "well, I am apparently replaceable, so I'll let you try".

I feel like I should work harder to change the culture, but I feel like it just isn't worth the battle any more.

I feel like if I leave, the company will become toxic to engineers and it will be one of those companies that good talent will try to avoid.

I have friends in the company, but I'm just feeling like life is just too fucking short to deal with certain types of people. I want to get my friends out.

I think I should apply to Facebook, Google, and Microsoft. If anything, to get a market valuation of my skill set. But, maybe just get a better job so I can build up a war-chest and be the guy with money.

I've been in the bathtub now for ten hours...

Re: Ask HN: What happens if I have a nervous breakdown?

#2

Post by tokenadult » Fri, Dec 03, 2010, 10:35 PM UTC

The term "nervous breakdown" is an old-fashioned euphemism for a bout of depression. Treat it so you don't harm yourself. The factual statements you relate may indeed suggest leaving that company, but while your mood is that low, you may miss out on other ways to deal with the same facts--and you just might be misinterpreting or overinterpreting the facts. Talk to a friend to get a reality check on what you are thinking. See a doctor and describe what you have been doing lately. Think again about what to do when you have taken care of yourself. It's good that you are expressing concern for other people--that often helps people dig out of issues like this.

Re: Ask HN: What happens if I have a nervous breakdown?

#3

Post by shaunxcode » Fri, Dec 03, 2010, 10:37 PM UTC

Get out of the bath. Go for a run. Apply for the other jobs. Look for a startup opportunity where you have equity.

Re: Ask HN: What happens if I have a nervous breakdown?

#4

Post by wtracy » Fri, Dec 03, 2010, 10:45 PM UTC

Whether you're a "free electron" or not, why do you think it's your personal responsibility to keep this company afloat?

If the job isn't right for you, then leave.

Re: Ask HN: What happens if I have a nervous breakdown?

#5

Post by mgkimsal » Fri, Dec 03, 2010, 10:50 PM UTC

Applying to Google, Facebook and MS to get a market valuation of your skills sort of implies you'd get an offer in the first place, doesn't it?

You are replaceable, but the result for the company after you're replaced may not be what they or you expect (could go either way - good or bad). I've left some places where I felt things were toxic, and others where I thought I was becoming toxic - too cynical, frustrated, etc.

Don't worry about 'getting your friends out'. They have their own lives. You have yours. You can only help others from a position of strength, not weakness. It doesn't sound like you're in a position of strength. That said, once you get in that position, they may not want helping anyway, but that's way in the future.

Get yourself sorted out. I'd take a long hard look to see if there's a way of staying that will work out for everyone, but likely you should be looking for someplace else. There's tens of thousands of companies out there that are not Google, MS and FB where your skills may be just as valued - probably moreso than at those big 3 you mentioned.

The 'culture' is not going to be changed where you are by your own actions. At best they are tolerated. Unless there's visible efforts of people from all levels actively seeking and enabling the changes you're proposing, it ain't gonna happen, and you're likely being viewed as an eccentric at best, or a troublemaker at worst.

Get out of the bath (as someone else said), and take some time for yourself to do some soul searching about what's best for you - ignore the company, ignore your friends - focus on you - no one else is going to.

Re: Ask HN: What happens if I have a nervous breakdown?

#6

Post by pdelgallego » Fri, Dec 03, 2010, 10:53 PM UTC

Get out of the tub, grab something good and healthy to eat, take a run. Talk to your significant other or closer friend After that just set an appointment with psychologist.

And yes, life is to short and valuable to spend it doing something that you don't give a damn. So if you don't like it don't do it.

Re: Ask HN: What happens if I have a nervous breakdown?

#7

Post by cellurl » Fri, Dec 03, 2010, 11:04 PM UTC

calm down and stick around and get your resume out. Take it in the ass for a while.

I left a company pissed early twice and each time I left $250k on the table! Its almost like they like people to leave pissed....

Re: Ask HN: What happens if I have a nervous breakdown?

#8

Post by wrburgess » Fri, Dec 03, 2010, 11:09 PM UTC

As tokenadult said, this is probably depression. Have it treated by a psychiatrist and realize it's likely a chemical imbalance.

Re: Ask HN: What happens if I have a nervous breakdown?

#9

Post by anthonycerra » Fri, Dec 03, 2010, 11:09 PM UTC

You're putting a lot of unnecessary pressure on yourself. You are not responsible for the culture except for how you contribute to it. You are not responsible for future engineers. You are not responsible for your friends' decisions. You need to do what makes you happy. It really is that simple.

Get out of the tub, call a friend, go out and have some fun!

Re: Ask HN: What happens if I have a nervous breakdown?

#10

Post by trizk » Fri, Dec 03, 2010, 11:15 PM UTC

Man, I feel you, you are not alone. It seems to me that you are a "builder". An entrepreneur with the foresight and technical capacity to make great things. But both your superiors and peers are standing in your way. Turning the beautiful and fulfilling art of creating technology into a political battle and minefield. Leave, now. It is not your company, they don't own you, and you don't owe them anything. Build your war-chest. Only with your own resources will you be free to innovate.