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Ask HN: First month job anxiety. Am I actually an impostor?

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Ask HN: First month job anxiety. Am I actually an impostor?

#1

Post by rericks »

I joined one of the big-4 tech companies a month ago after years of freelance work. Since joining, I’ve had trouble “hooking in”. For one, it doesn’t seem like I have all that much to do. I’ve submitted a few very simple bug fixes, and I have some larger feature work coming up, but it’s all on the order of maybe a few hundred lines of code. I’ve also spent maybe a week more than I should have on a fairly simple feature, just from fighting with my tools and trying to figure out where to put a few sparse calls in the codebase. It’s really embarrassing.

The other issue is that I’m riddled with anxiety every day. For one, I’m worried that my coworkers might think I’m slacking off, or that I’m incompetent or a bad hire. Everyone around me is always on point though many of them are younger than me. Their thoughts are completely clear. I rarely hear them make mistakes or misunderstand anything: they seem to have no weaknesses. In contrast, my thoughts tend to be extremely muddled. I often take in information without making much sense of it at first, and it seems to take me a while to clarify these thoughts into some whole. (And even then, I’m not always able to talk about it clearly.) I think this has always been my way of thinking, but it feels out of place here..

The other big issue is that I don’t really know how to reach out to people. I’m not a collaborator; I’m a recluse. In my life, I’ve always done things from scratch. Now I have to make meetings, ask people for information, decide that something needs to be done and tell another team to do it, etc. To get good at this, it feels like I basically have to rewire my entire personality, and I don’t know how to go about doing this. I’ve also found myself not asking clarifying questions when something doesn’t make sense in a meeting—see “muddled thoughts” above—and then I’m stuck figuring out whatever it was that I misunderstood on my own time (or not at all).

I don’t know if this is impostor syndrome, because I might actually be an impostor. Deep down, I think I’m riddled with fear that I’m just not good enough to be a “Googler” (or your favorite FANG here).

What do I do? How do I get better?

Re: Ask HN: First month job anxiety. Am I actually an impostor?

#3

Post by tjr »

avoidwork wrote: post #2

deep breaths, and try to chill. when you need help, simply say "I need help" and that should be a trigger for someone to change context and actually help you, if they can. not asking for help is the biggest mistake you could make.

Agreed. I once joined an engineering team as junior engineer at the same time they brought in a new principal engineer. He had lots of experience, but not on this specific project, so we were both on equal footing regarding the project itself.

I noticed the big difference between me and him was that he was very good at asking questions, whereas I fumbled around and tried to figure things out on my own.

Sometimes figuring it out on your own is exactly the right thing to do. But sometimes -- and especially now, as the newcomer in the group -- asking questions may be a better strategy.

Re: Ask HN: First month job anxiety. Am I actually an impostor?

#4

Post by GaryNumanVevo »

First off, anxiety sucks and it's more than likely bringing about these negative thoughts.

Second, you're experiencing what a lot of people experience in their first month (or even months). Especially coming from a freelance role, the team experience will take some getting used to. Changing up your collaboration style will take some time, but ultimately you'll be fine. I was also pretty reclusive when I started at my job.

To answer you question about getting better. Reading Code and asking questions is the #1 thing to do. In order to write good code, you need the context surrounding your problem. If you're working for a FAANG company they will (hopefully) have coherent coding standards which makes reading code easier. Along with reading code, asking questions is perfectly normal for _everyone_. Engaging with other engineers and seeking knowledge is a part of your job description. If you feel you're asking too much, take some notes and document your learnings.

Overall, you're going to be fine!

Re: Ask HN: First month job anxiety. Am I actually an impostor?

#5

Post by finaliteration »

I feel for you. I just joined a company about three months ago as the only senior engineer on the team and I’ve been going through the same thing. The way I get through it is by reminding myself that I got hired for a reason and that I need to give myself six months before really evaluating how the situation is going.

As someone else mentioned, don’t be afraid to ask for help. I’m used to “firefighting” and being the fixer, so asking other people for input and help is totally new to me, and it’s reasonable for it to take some time to adjust.

Also: Do not feel bad for taking time getting to know the tools and codebase. I’d much rather someone on my team take a week longer and gain knowledge vs just jumping in and breaking things by making changes to things they don’t fully understand.

Re: Ask HN: First month job anxiety. Am I actually an impostor?

#6

Post by kradeelav »

Have solace in the knowledge that you're not the first or last one to have these thoughts. Some advice from a fellow introvert:

- ask all the questions. If things seem 'too quiet', then you're not asking enough - dig deep enough to find out what the active big projects are, what their roadblocks are, and how they fit in with the CEO's vision. (Those high visibility projects have the bonus side effect of making you look very good if they go through successfully. positioning yourself as an active problem solver goes a long way in corp life.). If everything's stored on the server, spend a month memorizing where and what the "juicy" files are. If there's one person that is truly a knowledge dragon hoard, spend time with them.

- go out to coffee with at least two people every week. I hate talking to people over meals (and am actually a misanthrope under a very well constructed mask) - but this made the biggest difference in becoming "part" of the team. Find the interesting people (or at least the people you can tolerate the most), what makes them tick, what advice they have, what advantages they think you bring to the table, and ask what they would do in your shoes. The answers may surprise you.

- If someone tells you to do something and you're not 100% sure on executing it, repeat it back to them. Not word for word, but repeat it back how -you- interpret their decision. ("Understood. Just to clarify, I should write X lines of code that do X Y and Z and do [this purpose] for [this department] and have the first draft by [this date]?") Easiest way to be on board.

- your brain is a shifty little meatbag that _will_ inadvertently try to sabotage you re: anxiety. (I mean that in a plural sense - mine does the same if it tries to wiggle out under the leash of my will.)(Put more kindly, think of it as a runaway puppy that gets distracted by every little new smell and has to be gently trained.) If things seem suspiciously out of control and no one else is nervous/worried, take a step back, note what is under your area of control, what is not, schedule some 1-on-1 with your supervisor and explicitly ask for a list of 3 things you are currently doing well, and 3 things you could improve on. As long as you make an active effort on those last 3 things, and your manger is a functioning reasonable human, they'll have nothing to complain about.

Good luck. You can do it.

Re: Ask HN: First month job anxiety. Am I actually an impostor?

#7

Post by cgopalan »

I frequently have similar thoughts about whether I am capable enough, whenever I join a new project or take up a new task. So you are not alone.

One thing that helps is to look back and remember some of the cool things you have done, or the times when people acknowledged your work. Then that makes me think "I can't be all that bad".

Good luck!

Re: Ask HN: First month job anxiety. Am I actually an impostor?

#8

Post by appleiigs »

It's not you, it's them. A proper manager should be actively integrating you into the team. It's as simple as dragging you along to meetings so you learn what's going on, or CC'ing you on emails, or having you assist a coworker instead of handling a feature by yourself.

Re: Ask HN: First month job anxiety. Am I actually an impostor?

#9

Post by AnimalMuppet »

Re your first paragraph: What you're doing now is learning the tools, learning the codebase, learning the terminology, and learning the company structure and procedures. This takes time. Nobody is surprised that it's taking you time. The people in your second paragraph who are doing fine? They already learned this stuff. That's why they're doing fine. When you have learned this stuff, you'll probably be fine too.
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